Poems on Poems On Grief, Bereavment, Loss
by Alison Stormwolf

A solitary star hangs in a silent sky
and speaks to the heart
of a place far removed
from the present chaos and agony
of broken lives, broken bones
and ruined buildings.

Somewhere pure.
Safe.
Where children laugh.

Those little arms and legs
grey now, mottled, still...
Obscene lacerations
gaping wounds,
testifying mutely to the evil
of outrage to innocents.

Dead air, pierced by sobs, moans
and muffled prayers
Shell-shocked minds with empty arms
retreat behind blank eyes
and fall into a chasm
of inner grief.

The Horned Viper uncoils
in slow menace
under the dawn sky
and side-winds down
to the city.

It's spent we are.
Though kicking wildly
against the traces of defeat.

Like late blooming flowers
overtaken by first bitter frost.
Our hopes lie cold within us.
Numb.

Futility stifles rogue words of comfort
or inspiration.
We sit in silence, bonded by love.
Staring bleakly
screaming inwardly
for the return of lucidity.

One last flame
to light the way
into nothingness…

Though not alone.

Spent.

I may only say this once…
No matter how I try to be an individual
No matter how much I tell myself
I do not / will not, miss your body
I lie to you and myself

The truth is I am less
Than I hoped to be
Without our sexual connection
In that, boundaries disappeared
And I was free in a whole new way
So now, listen carefully
These days are no more.

When the music stops
That is the end of it
No more rage
No more fighting, striving
Empty now of everything
Past caring
Alone
Resolute
Somewhere inside
There is a heart
beating
Mocking
Goading
Aching

For

We parted in mid summer
When the blood was hot in our loins
And the wind was warm in our hair
And I did not know

And I waved goodbye in innocence
All that gave me joy….. and welcomed in the night
Much darker than before
And I did not know

For my mind was filled
With special dreams and happy times
Of what envisioned lay ahead
Oh God...

I did not know!

They found her three days later
A strange half smile played upon her lips
Confounding physiological fact
As always
The one to break boundaries;

Her sightless eyes held no clue
Only her special things around her
Told of her needing
to belong

Will you take me away
from the land?
And the pheasants
early morning call?
The moonlit washing line
The starry sky and all
Will you take me away?

Will you take me away
From the things that I love
To pursue another dream
That could maybe turn to dust
In the city's noisy streets

Will you take me away
From my trees and the wind
Which speaks to me nightly?
The comforting cloak of obscurity
My crows in the high branches?
Oh it's been hard I know
To follow this path

Just give me a sign
That my way is correct
for the city is suffocation
And I need to breathe…

But I need to live too
God in heaven
Guide my intent.

The end of the line
Came without real warning
Of course there were clues
That this lifestyle could not continue

When several gates shut in your
face it's a clear option
A sure sign
that road is leading nowhere

A lone wolf howls
In the deepest night
Believing the light will come
But for now,

Darkness immeasurable

Maybe I will have to trade
My precious wolf skin
For a new tomorrow?
and that will leave me
naked
and bleeding

It is not ever our place
To judge another
We are all accountable to a higher source
And in times of duress
We need support
not condemnation

Oh! to retrace circumstances
Reach out and tell you
Being weak
was not the end of the world
Although it ended yours...

Being selfish and spoilt
Did not demonise you, my dear
Had I acquired the life skills then
That fate has since
thrust into my closed hand
Maybe I could have done something
You were always so delicate
So confused and 'amused'
At how as a nurse I could
attend to the basic needs
of others

You told me repeatedly
You could never
"stand the sight of blood"
What went wrong?
What switched in your head
That
Suddenly
you could?

Your own?

The school bell was due to ring
In five minutes
When you took
that fateful, deadly decision...

And flew naked
From your morning window
onto the main street below
Only,
You had no wings
and your landing .....
was as cruel
as the smashing of beautiful face
To hard concrete

Someone passing covered you
With their coat
Until your body
was
still

And I never forgot you
my last memory
Your drunken smile,
your olive branch

How I wish I had taken it

Sleep well

( On A friend's suicide)

I should have read all the signs
On our personal map
As I motored down life's highway
At 100 miles an hour
My inner voice was talking
Nudging, slapping me!
But still I stayed asleep
In the dream we had woven

My constant need for reassurance
Should have been a sign
Diverting me
From what was not in my best interests
I saw the red light....and ignored it
As only one in love can do
You saw the red light too, but
My 'knowing' was secure

We saw each other's inadequacies
But our bonding love
More than filled the holes
In our leaking love boat

Well, that's what I thought!
Until our love was put to the test
Until the words spoken were apprehended
As bandits of the spirit and made to divulge
What was not from the heart

Then was my trance of love broken!
Then was my belief in 'what is to be' revealed
In all its pathetic resemblance
To the original script!

The trouble, was the actors
They had to be sincere! No matter how flawed
Had to have the courage
To walk on the water of "what is?"
To manifest "what will be!"

So sorry you were a damaged vessel
Could not contain the truths I tried to show you
Beyond those limitations
Of birth place and family

A thousand buckets could not contain
The guilt ingrained from birth
Sheild you from the plastic Madonnas
And Bleeding Hearts

Condemnation from every wall
Carved crucifixes
And dusty ornaments
Closed minds and confession booths

And we call THIS the' Love of God?'
And so, you fell behind,
Blinded by the incoming tide and your fear
I struggled to the shore and looked for you
Willing to risk the huge, grey breakers
In my small boat of truth

Now you will look from your shore
I shall look from mine
We shall ponder the meaning of life
Then you shall return...as I shall
To our individual realities

When realization dawns
What you though was a life line
Has, in fact, pulled you in
To the lobster nets
And poisoned jars of honey
What then, my love?

You think you have found freedom?
You are as tied as a lobster
Attracted by deathly
And life draining bait

Look around in your lobster pot
You are alive..aware..
In your own environment...
Imprisoned
And helplessly despairing

Your "Rescue?"
SO much sadder
Than your ensnaring!

The scales have fallen
And now my eyes see
With such cruel clarity
Your weakness, your feet of clay

Thanks to a friend who said
Remember the man who left you
Drowning in that fearful pit
Went on his way, oblivious of your screams

Yes, you were another 'Peter'
A modern day disciple
Who would 'walk into Hell with me?'
Until that day came…

Then I turned around
And you had gone, running
Whimpering, back into your sterile bed
Hiding your face from the light

Shielding your ears from my cries
Clutching desperately the barren robes
Of this world's priest

Tear stained protestations of innocence
Your lack of backbone
In such contrast to your build
Hiding your reasoning for my devastation
Behind the hem of your martyred mothers knees.

Had I been stronger then
You would not have slithered off so lightly
Had I been vengeful now
I would display your rotten carcass to the world

For all to know, including the wife you said
Was no more, along with all your other lies?

But what's the point?
No doubt you have another "soul mate" now
While the wife settles for paid mortgage
And rare appearances at 'Parent's Night'

I kick the sand off my feet
I purge the feeling and memories
I breathe in clean air breath in new tomorrows
You are lost in the slime of the future
Your actions have engineered for yourself

"Ali! Thank God you're home!"
Final words before you enter
The misty world between life and death
Tear at my heart, indelibly etched

"Of course I am home!
If you can wait for me
Delay the inevitable...
Bargain with God...
Until I am by your side
Then of course I will come!"

I take your hand, warm, too warm
Knarled and rough
A worker's hands, strong, capable
You wince with pain
And realization dawns
Of your silent suffering

"He is ready now Lord!"
Pull up the anchors
Set sail for new horizons
A navy man, all over the world
But never before THIS distant shore!

And yet you knew that you were going!
"Will they know me?
Are my socks clean Jean?"

Alone, together we wait
Unexpressed love heavy in the air
An otherworldly cloud
Enveloping two helpless people
Gratitude and thanksgiving
Reversal of roles in the universal cycle
Of death and birth
"Go now, yes, let go!"
"Your time has come
We are all with you"
A family united, the circle complete
No more trials and worries
No more dark early mornings
And frozen hands

Too late for regrets
The allotted span is complete

Who knows the secrets shared
Under closed eyelids
Between a man and his maker?
Who can judge success or failure?
Or gain access to the mysteries?

My greatest privilege
My highest honour
Bestowed in the early hours
In a dimly lit room
I surrendered my father
Into the hands of the Almighty.

She looks, she thinks, remembers
When times were good, her children were happy
When birthdays were SUCH special times,
And so was Christmas too...

But that was in the 'old days'
The days of her confinement
The days of her imprisonment
Within a special guiled cage
Oh, has it been a wise move?
A selfish move, a stupid move?
To want what life could offer her
In terms of love and closeness
Instead of clothes and jewellry
and other fancy things?
Along with lies and faithlessness
Brought by her wedding ring

She stares into the fire now
Alone with just her thoughts now
and wonders should she have settled
For life lived half alive?.....

Or should she keep on going now?
With nothing but her inner strength
Her belief that something's waiting there
Beyond that next hard bend....

Or is she just a fool somehow
A sad and lonely fool, somehow
Who gave up oh! so much for what!
She thought she could depend?

Take every thought captive
Is not that
What I tell myself?
Why then,
Do I find myself
Suddenly welling up?
Yes, I have succumbed
Once more
To that worn out
And long discarded question
Why not me?
Not everyone is happy
Even those with husbands
Homes, security
This I know
I am The Survivor
The free spirit

What chink
In my mental armour?
Allowed that renegade thought
To ransack my specially
Constructed reality
Where nobody hurts me?
The past is dead
....And buried.

It's just that
Sometimes…

Especially
on dark
Autumn nights…

I remember Paris
Laughing
in the leaves
and
my
heart
Bleeds.

Oh! How you misjudged me
Thought within a week or two
I would be back on the prowl.
Off with the old
On with the new?

Yes, you really did not
get it. did you?
Never quite realised my 'truth'
Could not grasp the concept
Of a non grasping love

I wanted you, yes SO much
But I wanted you for YOU
Never for what you could supply
Never for anything
As trivial as that!

Oh, I knew that I could give you
Many wonderful things
But not the things valuedv By those who know
The price of everything
But the value of nothing.

Things like everlasting love
Yes, and caring
Whether well or ill..or blind
Things like spiritual ecstasy,
Passion of soul and body
Complete surrender

Real things, so overlooked
So undervalued by those
who wear their fear of being robbed
By others "out to get something!"
Like a hidden cloak

So, Mr Shallow Man
A couple of years down the line
And I have never even looked anyone else.....
What does that say about you?
What does that say about me?

You see, If my vision and my judgement
was so patently defective with you
How could I trust again?
Who in this God forsaken world
Is worthy of love and commitment
Like MINE?

No doubt there have been many
Women since me,
Who have warmed your bed
Women, you fooled into believing
You had left your wife
You probably shed a tear or two
Just to give it credence...
(It worked with me)

Sadly for you ..... your fear
Of what you were scared of losing
Has, in fact, robbed you
Of the one person,
The one decent thing
In your whole screwed up world
Worth having